How To Break Free………. From Being Stuck

“I felt “stuck” at a corporate job. I had a cubicle. I had the fluorescent lights. I had the guy in the cubicle next to mine who would make that signal with his finger and cheek whenever a girl walked by that he wanted a blowjob from. I had the boss that could make me cry. I played online chess all day long. I had the girls I had crushes on. I had the stuff I was doing on the side that nobody knew about. But I was stuck.

(we can all relate)

In the morning I couldn’t get out of bed. Light would shine in. 7am. 8am. 9am. “here’s some coffee”. 10am. Finally, I’d fall over onto the floor. Dog hairs. Cat hairs everywhere. Ugh. All over me. I walked to work past porn shops all over Times Square. I went in one. Another story. I was three hours late to work. Many days. I was S.T.U.C.K. I could figure out what that acronym means but you get it.

A lot of people get stuck. They don’t like where they are at. They don’t know how to move forward. They don’t know how to shake things up. I don’t know if this is true but one time a friend of mine told me (he got his PHd at the age of 15 so I believed everything he told me about science) that the way Bic makes lighters is by putting all the parts in a machine and then the machine shakes until the parts somehow all fit together into lighters and the lighters start falling out.

I don’t know if this is true. But I love the idea.

A lot of people are stuck. I know this because I get emails that start, “I’m stuck.” So how to get “unstuck”. Put all your parts in a machine. Start shaking.

Even when I was stuck I couldn’t accurately say I had specific complaints.  I had an ok job, good boss, ok colleagues, easy responsibilities. Summers were easy when everyone took a vacation (and on that note: how bad are vacations? Much better when you get to sit around and do nothing than go off to Hawaii or Alaska, battle airplanes, hotels, “hiking” (ugh!), feeding kids, etc).  So what was my problem?

Nothing was my problem. It’s ok to be stuck. Nobody will ever blame you for it. But you’ll get less and less happy. Then things start to happen that you didn’t intend, in order to get you unstuck. Maybe you have an affair to mix things up. Maybe you steal a little from the office. Maybe you start to cut corners at work because you’ve been there long enough you know you can let things slide. You start gossiping too much about the other people. You begin the arduous process of backstabbing to rise up in a world that will tease you into thinking that’s how you get unstuck….

…..But it isn’t. And being stuck has its consequences.

Here’s the ten step guide to being unstuck:

A) List your routine. Don’t leave a single detail out. When you are stuck it means you have a rigid routine that rarely changes. Here was part of my routine: Wake up, brush teeth, wait for cold subway, ride subway, get a donut and coffee, go to cubicle without anyone seeing me, log onto email, read stuff on the web, play a game of chess, make my list of things to do, start programming…flirt…gossip…kiss ass…..lunch….coffee break….chess break….dinner….shoot pool…, etc. I had about 50 things on my “Routine List”. Put 60 if you can.

B) Change one thing:  in the routine. The idea is to only change one thing at a time. Don’t be too hard on yourself. One thing. And don’t do the exact opposite. Just avoid the item in the routine you want to change. Maybe, don’t go straight to work. Go to the library. Or wake up one hour early and read a book. Or jog around the block even if you have never jogged before. Or don’t read your emails this morning. Or completely stop gossiping. Or sit with different people at lunch. Over time, how many things on your routine list can you change? Half? All of it? Make it a daily challenge. Break your record. Break my record.

C) Instead of writing a things-to-do list, write a “things I did list” at the end of the day. In fact, start to reverse your routine. Read emails at the end of the day. Have dinner for breakfast. Breakfast for dinner.

D) Find one thing you were passionate about as a kid: spend an hour researching what has happened since. For instance, I was passionate about Jacques Cousteau for about a month as a kid. What ever happened to that guy? I couldn’t tell you right now if he was dead or alive or buried in some sex scandal.  He put out a bunch of books about what goes on underwater. What’s happened since? Why do this? You were a kid for 18 years. There were probably many things that you were passionate about. Even if it was as silly as some cartoon show. Each thing you find out about is something new you learn now. And you might find things you are still passionate about.

E) Network: Every day find one person to reach out to and stay in touch with. An old high school friend. A guy you randomly spoke to on the subway. The guy on the elevator. Go out to lunch with this person. Learn about his life. Interview him. You need to find out what other routines are like. Maybe someone will give you an idea you haven’t thought of. We are all very very afraid to break out of our routines. I am also. I recently agreed to do a media appearance simply because I was afraid if I said “no” then the people there would not like me. Claudia begged me not to do it. I did it anyway. She was right. I was afraid to break out of my routine. But networking that day would’ve probably put me more in touch with people who liked me than doing that media appearance did. Again, return the email from 2005 that you never returned. Write a letter to your boss’s boss’s boss’s boss and tell him what you really think about the company’s strategy in Kansas.

F) Create. I can tell by the emails I get that most people would rather create something than be a part of the robotic routine. How can you create if you have no time or if you have never done it before? Simple! Don’t worry about either of those things. On the subway write a 4 line poem. Buy a set of watercolors in the drug store and finger paint for ten minutes before you go to sleep. Don’t write a things to do list or a things you did list. Write a “things I wish I did today” list. Make up stuff for that list. I wish a UFO picked me up, took me to Andromeda, and then took me home for dinner. Its your wish list for the day that just happened. It’s all over. So you can wish for anything. It didn’t happen. You are making stuff up. You’re creating.

Here’s another thing: follow someone. I love doing this! Pick a random person and just follow them for fifteen minutes. You’re an evil spy! Then you can see their routine. Make sure they don’t see you follow them……

(don’t get arrested)

G) Daily Practice. I’m a broken record already. Here’s why the Daily Practice I recommend works: (note: what this is my personal belief about how the world and universe is set up. You don’t have to believe it. But I know it works for me). I firmly believe we have four bodies and most of the time we are neglecting at least 2 or 3 of them if not all 4. If you neglect your physical body, you start to have stomach disorders, you get sick more frequently, you eventually die younger or at least have a painful, unpleasant life. Guess what!? The same thing happens if you neglect your emotional body. Or mental body. Or spiritual body.

And it’s even bigger than that. In your physical body (in all 4) there’s blood that hooks everything up. If the blood is not working, oxygen is not getting to the different parts of your body. You might have to breathe faster then, or you might breathe irregularly, or worse: if oxygen doesn’t get to the heart or the brain then you have a heart attack or stroke. If oxygen doesn’t get properly to your cells you get cancer. The same thing happens in all four bodies. BUT, it’s not only that: there’s a blood that connects up each body. If they aren’t all in sync then that blood flow starts to break down.

I know people don’t care about all four bodies. They say to me, “I love the idea muscle idea”. Or, “I like your thoughts but don’t really think much about spirituality.” If ALL FOUR BODIES are not in harmony with each other then they being to break down. Then they start letting crappy people into their lives. Or they start being unable to execute on good ideas. Or they get sick. Whatever. Many people don’t like some words. Like “spiritual”. Call it something else then.

And don’t believe me at all on this. I’m making it all up after all. But I know, for me, this is what works. I can’t break out of a routine, any routine, unless I am following this advice. So I know it works for me. And I know it works for the people who read that blog post a year ago because I get their emails. I’ve gotten well over 1000 emails on how people’s lives have changed. I’m not saying this because I am trying to sell you anything. I’m not selling anything at all. In fact, better for me to “succeed” if less people follow my advice.  But whatever, it works for me.

H) Buy ALL My Books. Haha. I’m just kidding. I just told you I’m not selling anything. But, seriously, buy my last book.

I) What Are You Afraid Of?  Sometimes a “routine” is a person. I wake up..did she write me?…its 11am…has she called?…did she say she loved me yesterday?…how come she didn’t make plans yet for this weekend with me…she said she would be here at 7 but she hasn’t even called and its 8…etc. Maybe this routine is particular to me. But ask: why might I have a routine like that (in the past). List your reasons: fear of being alone. A parent telling me I was disgusting when I was youger. Experiences of other women cheating if its 8 and they said 7.

Fear that I will “never meet someone like her again” (a statement which is always said but never true). Sexual obsession. Love addiction. On an on. You break the routine by being aware of the fears: I’ll never get a job this good again. I’ll fail as an entrepreneur. I’ll run out of money and have to move. I don’t know any rich people to help me. On and on. There’s excuse after excuse of why you shouldn’t break your routine.

List all of those excuses. Think about them. Think of the opposite (“well, I’ve always met a girl within six months after a big breakup so I will probably meet one again” or, “I haven’t lived in a homeless shelter yet so odds are I won’t this time.”

But I can’t change them!? You might say. “I really want this girl!” Or..”I really might go broke!”  That’s ok. Think them.

Here’s how you wither them away, like the water against a rock metaphor:

•  i. become aware of the excuses.
• ii. figure out why they exist. What part of your psychological timeline do they come from.
• iii. where in your body do you feel pain when you think of them. Just think about that.
• iv. What’s the reverse of that fear. I really had to say to myself, “I will meet a woman I will fall in love with if I leave this girl”. I had to say it over and over. If I didn’t say it, I never would’ve left the girl. I never would’ve met the right girl. If you don’t say it, you won’t believe it. I had to say, “if I start a company I won’t go broke.”
• v. Visualize now what you just said in part “iv”. Lie down. Put your hands by your side. Take ten deep breaths. And really visualize the situation. You will meet the girl. Your business will be a success.

You might say, “that’s sort of new agey”. Ok. Don’t do it then. All I’m saying is: this is how I broke my routines. All of them. Every time. Even micro-routines.

Then repeat from “i” tomorrow.

I said ten things but I gave nine. I broke my routine of doing “Ten ways to do X”. But that’s ok. Oh wait, here’s Letter “J”) Read this post again tomorrow.

I eventually climbed out of bed and told my boss I quit. He said, “can you please wait until I get back from vacation in 3 weeks.” But I said no and sent in my resignation. I eventually stopped calling back “the girl” when it was clear she didn’t like me. I eventually stopped gossiping about the people who clearly hated me. I never ended up in a homeless shelter despite repeated attempts for the universe to put me there.

Waking up at 7 am, lying there until 10am. The sunlight coming in and filling the room when everyone was busy doing their routine and I was too afraid to move. Sometimes I’m still too afraid  to move. But sometimes the good thing about too much sunlight is that eventually it leads to an entirely new day.”

by James Altucher

 http://www.jamesaltucher.com/2012/02/how-to-break-free-from-being-stuck/

Think on These Things?

You Don’t Have to Believe Your Thoughts

 

 

Are you? ….. “an expert at making myself miserable by taking a neutral thought, turning it into a stressful one, and then spinning that stressful thought into an even more stressful story—one with little or no basis in reality.

….. this is…  “storytelling dukkha” (dukkha)  (the word that the Buddha used to describe suffering, stress, ,,,and just plain unhappiness).”

“…..here are two neutral, fact-based thoughts:”

“A friend is coming over today.”

“I have an appointment with a new doctor next week.”

“Each of these thoughts states a fact, free of emotional content. But then, driven by worry and anxiety over; … health, …. turn them into stressful thoughts:

“My friend’s visit won’t go well.”

“The doctor’s appointment will be a disaster.”…….then to go on with the storytelling…

“My friend will stay much longer than I’m able to visit, but I won’t have the nerve or the discipline to tell her I need to lie down. Then it will take me days to recover and I’ll be mad at myself for not speaking up.”

“The doctor won’t believe how sick I am. He might even think it’s all in my head. And even if he does believe me, he won’t want the hassle of having to deal with a complex case with no easy fix.”

“As Buddhist teachers like to say, the suffering is in the stories.”‘

“Byron Katie discovered a system to stop the suffering. 

……..At the outset, it helps to recognize that the mind is going to think what it’s going to think. Trying to control the thoughts that pop into your mind is a fruitless endeavor. What matters to your well-being is not which thoughts arise but how you respond to them. If you can learn to respond skillfully, you’re much more likely to keep a stressful thought from turning into a full-blown stressful story.”

“Here are Byron Katie’s four questions—questions to ask yourself when you recognize that you’re caught in the net of a stressful thought:

1. Is the thought true?

2. Am I absolutely sure that it’s true?                                                                                               Byron Katie

3. How do I feel when I think the thought?

4. Who would I be without the thought?”

“Before addressing Byron Katie’s fifth step—the turnaround—”…”apply her four questions to the two stressful thoughts ….”

 …..”It’s such a relief to know that I don’t have to believe my thoughts!”

© 2013 Toni Bernhard www.tonibernhard.com

 

To read more about Katie Byron’s work, and Toni’s use of it, including the turnaround fifth step,  please go here:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/turning-straw-gold/201310/you-don-t-have-believe-your-thoughts

 

 

 

Being Grateful………for What?

Why We Should Be Grateful

 

For What We Don’t Get

 

Harvesting the power of absence.

Every year, I attend the last church service of the year, in which, the minister asks us to write down all the things we want for the coming year. We then draft a letter to ourselves that we will receive a year later (sent back to us by the church), in which we thank the universe for already having received all the things on our list. “Thank you for the new job that I love,” “Thank you for helping my family get along,” “Thank you for selling my home at the right price,” etc., etc. We write down what we want, decide that we are going to get it, and adopt the gratitude that comes with already having it.

A few months ago I received the letter I wrote at the end of last year. As always, it is interesting to read what was important to me a year ago and of course, to see what came to fruition and what did not. This past year, three and a half out of a list of 27 things came to pass. About 15 no longer mattered to me, and there were eight (and a half) things that I still want but have not yet been able to make happen. Probably the same numbers as if I had not written the letter, but an interesting and useful exercise nonetheless.

However, as I looked over my list, I was struck with a different kind of gratitude than the kind of usually feel when I read my letter from myself. This time, while I was of course grateful for what I did get and what did happen, I realized that I was, oddly, more grateful for what I did not get, and what had come as a result of not getting what I wanted.

To begin with, because of what the universe so kindly denied me, I was forced to grow in ways that I could have never imagined or wished for. I might have wished for the growth, but I never would have chosen the path by which the growth came. It was because of the things that I did not receive that I learned my most important lessons and was able to change and evolve. By not getting something that was on my list, I was pushed to find out why I felt I needed that particular thing, and the experience I believed that thing would bring to my life. In other words, I was able to discover what I was really craving. As a result of not getting what I wanted, I was able to address the emotional nourishment that I actually needed, and to provide for myself in ways that would not have been possible had I received the actual thing itself. In another example, by not getting what I wanted, I was able to realize that I really did not need it at all, that I was actually okay without it. This allowed me to let go of a long-held belief that I could not do without this particular thing.

Consequently, I learned I was far stronger than I had thought — and indeed whole, with or without my desired things.

In addition to the lessons we get to learn, having to do without forces us into the lucky experience of absence. “Who would want more absence?” you might ask. The beauty of absence is that it provides us with the opportunity to meet ourselves. Doing without opens the door to discovering who we are under all the things we want. When the noise quiets, we can meet who’s listening in the silence — who’s there to get or not get. When we don’t get the things we want, ironically, we are offered the gift of experiencing our own presence, our human being-ness. In truth, we need nothing to be happy but we need something to be sad.

In the end, what we call “getting” so often does not come from getting in the way we think of it. We may not have gotten what we thought we wanted, but instead we got the opportunity to become a new person — a person we never would have become had we gotten what we wanted. We can’t want something we don’t know is possible, until it happens. So, too, not getting gives us the chance to meet ourselves, to discover who’s here under all the things we want.

The next time that we think about what we have received, let us investigate what is really true, beyond just our checklist of things. We are trained to be grateful for getting the things we want, but we can and need to become equally grateful for the things that we don’t get, and the wonderful and unexpected opportunities and gifts that those absences bestow upon us — the presents and presence that we could never have seen coming.

Copyright 2013 Nancy Colier  Reprinted with permission.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/inviting-monkey-tea/201308/why-we-should-be-grateful-what-we-dont-get

What if Being Free Meant Being Free of Judgment?

“Let’s not confuse happiness with equanimity.

The part of our minds that most people identify with is the part that silently talks to us with a running commentary. We listen to it all day long. Let’s call it “The Talker.”

“The Talker” prefers pleasure over pain, happiness over sadness, winning over losing, health over sickness, and any of the other judgments that help us navigate our lives. Although it plays a critical role that we cannot live without, “The Talker” is stuck in the duality that makes us judge one thing better than another.

It does not allow us to experience the world without judgment.

The central principle of mindfulness is to look at experiences without judgment.

Adherents of mindfulness often speak of the part that practices mindfulness as “The Watcher.” It lives outside of the duality and sees everything as equally valuable. Mindfulness is a wonderful practice that increases awareness of what is really happening because “The Watcher” does not ignore or accentuate details based on preferences.

Unfortunately, many claim that mindfulness leads to happiness.

As happiness and sadness are judgments based on preferences, this breaks with the whole concept of looking at our experiences without judgment.

Mindfulness practiced properly does not lead to happiness; it leads to a greater awareness of whatever you are experiencing whether you like it or not.

Mindfulness does not mean we have no preferences or that we make no effort to alleviate pain. “The Watcher” is perfectly capable of watching without judgment while “The Talker” tells us our feelings about things. But, most of us pay attention to “The Talker” and cannot access “The Watcher” as much as we should. Our perceptions are not “full” because we are not mindful of the whole picture that “The Watcher” helps fill out.

This lack of balance is the primary cause of suffering.

We get so caught up in the judgments of “The Talker” that we are not content with life the way it is. We resist experiences that could be of great value because our preferences shut us out from perceiving the whole picture. We end up focusing on changing the experiences and missing the insights that are available in them. We also miss out on the bliss that is at the core of every moment.

Many people practice mindfulness or other forms of meditation with the goal of achieving a blissful state. Turning off “The Talker” for a while and focusing on only the present moment produces very pleasurable feelings. They love the state because it is free from the pain and suffering we feel when “The Talker” judges things in a negative light. With much practice, they achieve states that are so pleasurable they call them the ultimate “high.”

But being “high” is not bliss. It is still stuck in contrast consciousness and the world of duality. To feel “high” means you will also feel “low” sometimes.

Real bliss is beyond duality, it is in pain just as much as in pleasure. There is no more bliss during “high” times than during low times: bliss is equally available in every moment.

Saint Teresa of Avila spent her life looking for bliss. She was in tremendous physical pain her whole life and thought that she would attain the ecstasy (bliss) she was after if she could just remove the pain long enough to experience a blissful state. Eventually, she realized her error and found what she was looking for. Once found, she was able to hold onto it no matter what “The Talker” was telling her.

In describing the difference between bliss and happiness, Saint Teresa said, “The pain is still there. It bothers me so little now I feel my soul is served by it.” She had grown in her practice of mindfulness to be able to perceive the whole picture: “The Talker” experienced the pain fully and she took necessary actions to alleviate it, but at the same time she felt the bliss that only “The Watcher” is capable of perceiving.

Mindfulness does not lead to happiness. It sometimes leads to greater experience of the very real pains we all have: physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. What mindfulness does lead to, though, is bliss. But in order to feel it you have to know the difference between happiness and bliss.

Every moment of our lives is an opportunity to be in bliss, but we avoid those with the most potential because we think that the difficult experiences need to be removed first. We are closer to experiencing bliss during the difficult times because they challenge us to break from our attachment to happiness.

It is not really bliss if the experience we think is bliss goes away when we are in pain. As bliss is beyond the duality of happy-sad, gain-loss, pleasure-displeasure, and even health-illness; we cannot truly know bliss until we see it in our pain. Once we find bliss in pain, we find it everywhere.

Now that I found bliss, I see it in every moment of my life no matter what the circumstance or state of mind. I prefer to call it equanimity because that better describes it for me: All states are equally blissful and there is no need to change any of them to experience it. In equanimity I can see that depression is part of the bliss just as much as pleasure, happiness, and all other conditions.

Equanimity is the essence of Yoga as described in the Bhagavad-Gita: “Be steadfast in yoga, devotee. Perform your duty without attachment, remaining equal to success or failure.

Such equanimity of mind is called Yoga.” (Yogananda, Paramahansa, The Bhagavad Gita, translation, 2003 Self-Realization Fellowship, CA, 2:48)

When we are in equanimity (bliss), we make decisions based on wisdom and the equal input from both “The Talker” and “The Watcher.” We are no longer controlled by the likes and dislikes of “The Talker,” although we are informed by its perceptions. We do what is right, not necessarily what satisfies our ego.

That is what practicing mindfulness is all about.”

Published on September 30, 2013 by Tom Wootton in Bipolar Advantage

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/bipolar-advantage/201309/mindfulness-does-not-lead-happiness

 

English: Bhagavad Gita, a 19th century manuscript. North India. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Attachment and Detachment

kama sutra india (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

…..As aspiring yogis and other sundry dharmic followers, the topic of love and romance takes on a different meaning to us.

We are neither for nor against, because romance is peripheral to our ultimate goal of liberation from samsara, the cycle of birth and death.  Rather we seek to channel and sublimate all of our temporary worldly relationships and pursuits into this one goal, and we tend to accept or reject them contingent upon whether or not they are compatible with that goal.

A yogi or a dharmi also tries to keep her or his life as simple as possible, so as to free up time, energy and emotional space for the daily practice of sadhana (regular spiritual practice such as meditation).

Keeping things simple will look different to each of us.

For the polyamorous rotating a harem of 5 or 6 partners, simplifying might look like cutting down to just 2 or 3. On the other hand for the person in a (childless) relationship with just one other partner who is nevertheless averse to one’s goal of liberation, simplifying might look like saying your final salam to him/her and living a single life or finding a dharmically inclined partner.

Tania_Cataldo

On yet another hand, for couples with children who are going through (non-violent) difficulty in their partnership and are considering separation, simplifying might look like staying together and amicably working things out for the sake of the children, so that one’s children can grow up in a simple family environment.

Unencumbered by divorce court, custody battles, having to choose between mom or dad, and being exposed to and confused by the almost inevitable rotation of mom and/or dad’s new post-divorce boyfriends/girlfriends.

 

Although it is true that in both the traditional yogic and bhakti schools of the Dharma traditions, sexual attraction and its ensuing attachment between human beings is considered one of the foremost binding agents to samsara (the repeating cycle of birth and death), if not the foremost binding agent, it largely depends on how it is approached that will determine if it binds you, helps to liberate you, or acts as a neutral factor effecting neither your liberation nor your continued bondage.

Once a man came to the bhakti-yoga guru B.P. Keshava Maharaja several decades ago in India and asked why he only sees the educated middle class of Bengali society in his ashram and not the poor beggars from the streets.  B.P. Keshava Maharaja immediately called in a poor beggar from the street and asked him, “Do you have a wife?”  The beggar answered, “No.” He asked him, “Do you have children?”  The beggar answered, “No.”  He asked him, “Do you have a job, home or any responsibility that you have to attend to?”  The beggar answered, “No sir, I am a lonely beggar with nobody and nothing in this world to call my own.”

At that point B.P. Keshava Maharaja extended his invitation, “Then please come and live here in this ashram.  You will get food, clothing, shelter and all your basic needs will be met without having to beg.  The only thing you have to do is daily kirtan (sacred chanting).”  All of a sudden and to the surprise of the man who made the initial inquiry, the beggar stood up and exclaimed, “Oh please excuse me, I must go now. There is something important that I must attend to,” and scurried quickly away!

B.P. Keshava Maharaja turned to the man and said:

“Just see!  Those with no attachment to anyone or anything in this world are unable to become attached to Divinity because the emotion of attachment is unknown to them. On the other hand those with too much attachment in this world are also unable to become attached to Divinity because they are immersed in samsarik pursuits and relationships.  The ideal condition is to not be too attached and not too detached, but to have a healthy balance of both attachment and detachment and then you can very easily transfer that healthy attachment to the divine life.”

…. as we contemplate the meaning of life and love and whether or not our relationships are serving our higher purpose, this apropos sutra from pop culture contains within its formula the wisdom of the ages:

KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid!

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Toongi is a third culture person who has lived most of her adult life in India studying the literature and lore of Bengali Vaishnavism under the guidance of her guru. She currently resides in the United States where she teaches meditation techniques and dishes out unsolicited advice to the lovelorn in the tradition of Vatsyayana, the celibate sex guru of Kama Sutra fame. She can be reached on email here.